Chaos will not reign

 

 

I sit on my bed and stare at the closed door to my bedroom. My bed is beautifully made with a gorgeous black and white quilt that I love which was handmade by a lady in the church and I sit still in my pj’s on this quilt as I soak up the peace that this tidy, quiet room brings me. The beauty from my window blesses me each morning as I wake to a view of our backyard with a backdrop of the mountains of Montville. All is calm, quiet and still in that room. I can think clearly, pray peacefully and enjoy God’s presence uninterrupted.

But as I look over to the door again, I know what lies beyond it. I know the moment that I open the door to the rest of the house, chaos will reign on this Friday school morning. Two weeks with my husband away means that the kids behaviour has just been awry for the last few days as they try to push the boundaries with only one parent ruling the nest.  Everything within me cries out for order. Everything within me wants to hide and to stay within my quiet, peaceful room for the rest of the day. But life wasn’t meant to be hidden…. And I am needed beyond that quiet room….

One of my favourite places to go to relax and destress is the beach. Have you ever noticed that it is only tiny bodies of water, closed off from the ocean that are ever still? The waves crashing in from the ocean are never still. They are always rolling in and out, moving with the tides and the wind. But what lies beneath is an ordered oceanic ecosystem. Below those waves tossing about is the interaction between organisms and their environment in an ordered cycle of nature that was designed by our God.  God created order beneath the surface whilst the ocean exterior was affected by external sources causing waves, upsurges, groundswells, breakers, dumpers, or just ripples.

Genesis chapter one informs us that before the earth was formed the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface. And as the Creator formed together a world of beauty, a world of ordered ecosystems and harmony – the Spirit of God was there hovering above the order. God created order – and the Spirit hovers above the surface.

There are many external sources in our lives that cause waves, upsurges, groundswells, breakers, dumpers or ripples. And we can often feel the effect of these deep below the surface. But two things we need to remember in these times of feeling tossed around by the waves or pulled out to sea by the rips:

Firstly, God created order deep below the surface of the ocean and He creates order deep within our souls. Secondly, just as in the beginning, the Spirit hovers above us and within us as the waves crash around us. When God says “Be still and know that I am God”, he is speaking power over the chaos within you. He orders our souls to be still and know who is the God of order and peace.  As in the beginning where all He needed to do to form the creation of the world is to speak, all He needs to do to form order and peace within our souls is speak ‘be still.’ 

So I stopped for  a moment that morning in my bedroom and hear Him speak into my soul saying ‘chaos will not reign but I will reign above the chaos.’  I feel the Spirit of God hovering around me and within me. I take a deep breath, open the door…  and step out into the waves.





Why I haven't written a blog in 3 months..

I could use the excuse that I have been too busy...but I haven't. 

I lead a crazy life, yet if I really wanted to I could sit down and for a short moment in my week, I could write.

I could say that I have had nothing to write but that is not true...God is doing new things all the time and when I see Him doing something new in my life or in the lives of those around me, I often think...'That would be good to blog about.'

I could use alot of other reasons, but it would all be a mask.

The reason I have not blogged is that I was scared off...

Whilst many encouraging comments came in from my last blog, a small, minute number of comments that I received were enough to make me pause. These opinions were of the consensus that it was wrong of me to be so honest about my feelings and thoughts and that I should not be sharing so honestly with the world.

This has made me pause. And think. And reflect. And now I am ready to respond.

It gravely concerns me that when someone shares a part of their life in an honest transparent way, we get uncomfortable. Let's face it...none of us are perfect. We are all works in progress and all on our own journeys. Yet, the reality of another's struggles makes us uncomfortable. We like the masks that we have created and placed on ourselves. When someone removes their mask to reveal some truth about themselves, we become uneasy. 

Do you wear a mask for others? Do you wear a mask for yourself? Do you wear a mask for God?

Psychologist Merry Lin writes about this in her book, The Fully Lived Life:

A short excerpt:

"Faking your way through life is believing that if you let people know the real you, they won't like you. Maybe it seems that nothing you ever do is ever enough. The tapes that play in your head say that if people really knew what was going on inside you, they would lose respect for you. Maybe you keep trying to pretend to make others happy, including God, and you are exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually. While you play those roles, juggling those masks you have to wear and hiding your pain ... the pressure increases to keep pretending you have it all together. Consider the cost of our souls when we do this, the loss of ourselves ... I would never discover my true identity ... unless I began identifying and laying down my masks, and so I began a process of stripping down the defenses I had built up over the years."

So here are my reasons for why I will continue to share my life with others. ..

1. Sharing my struggles with others creates space for them to share their own similar experiences. Doing life together is so much better than doing it alone. Taking the mask off reassures others and myself that I am not perfect (never will be) and that I have flaws and therefore the fact that they also have flaws is not only comforting but is normal. Giving people permission to not be perfect releases them. Giving permission to the people around you to be honest about who they are is a way of handing them their freedom. Create space for others to open up about their lives. You don't have to be perfect and neither do they. Get rid of the mask!

2. Sharing my thoughts helps me to process my thoughts. As we verbalise or jot down our thoughts and feelings they become real. Clarity from the millions of mixed jumbled thoughts in our minds helps us to process and discover who we really are and what we are really thinking. This helps us in our journey of discovering our identity in who God made us to be.

3. It is a huge drain on mind, body and soul to live a life pretending to be someone you are not. It is also extremely draining to be denying emotions and pretending you are not feeling what you are feeling. My desire is to have a healthy mind, body and soul and thus by accepting and acknowledging my true identity, I am not going to be draining myself by being at war with myself. I want to live the full abundant life that Jesus came to give me (John 10:10).

4. It helps me to focus on others. Instead of processing and trying to sort out my own stuff, by being honest with who I am and what I am feeling, I can help others who are going through similar experiences or can focus on those who are going through worse things than me. Consistently holding everything in, means we become turned in on ourselves and focused on ourselves. Getting rid of our own baggage means we have the capacity to help others carry theirs. 

So...I leave you with the lyrics of Mandisa's song "What if we were real" and challenge you with the possibilities of this world if we removed the masks and were real...

Well, I'm tired of saying everything I feel
Like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time
I wanna throw the mask away

Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just wanna scream
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me

We keep trying
To make it look so nice
And we keep hiding
What's going on inside

But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel?
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess?
What if we were real? What if we were real?

I'm over hiding my tears
I think I'm gonna let 'em go
I'm over acting so strong
When I ain't even in control

We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be?
Why can't we open our hearts
And let everybody see?

We keep trying
To make it look so nice
And we keep hiding
What's going on inside

But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel?
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess?
What if we were real?

We'd think a little less of ourselves
We'd care about somebody else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel

Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd be a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to be real?

We keep trying
To make it look so nice
And we keep hiding
What's going on inside

But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel?
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess?
What if we were real?

Just meant to be real
Just meant to be real
Just meant to be real
Just meant to, just meant to

A Sacrifice bigger than Chocolate!

 

 

I am a Christian. I am also an Anglican – have been all my life. I grew up in an Anglican family. I am married to an Anglican minister. We have 4 Anglican children. We are your normal everyday family – who are Anglican…and Love God with our entire beings!

As part of our Anglican tradition, we have a time in our church year which we call the season of Lent. It is the 46 days and nights, minus the Sunday’s (so really 40) in the lead up to Easter. It is a time of preparation, a time of reflection, a time of fasting. Typically, people give up something of significance like chocolate, alcohol, social media etc or take up something like spending more time with God, volunteering in the local community, reading their bible more.

It is not a time that we gain favour with God or build up our ‘spiritual muscles’ but rather a time where we identify with the humility of our Saviour and we try to give expression to that in the journey of Christ up until his death.

So what did I give up?

Well this year, as I was praying about what I was going to give up for lent, I was in the kitchen racing around getting ready for the day. It had not been an easy week – things had been quite busy and stressful and I found myself quite tense. And in my tense state – my husband was the one who bore the brunt of that. An easy target, James is usually the one that I offload my stress onto – often through slamming cupboards, silent treatment, or even yelling. It often starts with me blaming him for a whole lot of things and taking things out on him, before I get to the part where I tell him I am sorry and that actually I am really stressed about other things in life at the time and I didn’t mean to take it out on him. Sound familiar?

God really challenged me on this in the lead up to lent. Often it is our loved ones who we hurt first. We take them for granted as they are usually in the firing line first and we know they love us and they will forgive us. But that doesn’t make it right.

So many scriptures in the bible encourage us and direct us to turn to God in the tense and stressful times - to give our burdens over to Him, to not be anxious but to pray continually, to seek Him in times of need, to call out to Him when in trouble, to stand firm on Him as our solid rock, to take shelter under His wings.

So what did I give up for Lent? I gave up yelling at James.

You might laugh and it is a little funny but also extremely challenging.

You see, in the midst of Lent, my husband has gone away for 3 weeks. You might think that this makes my Lenten promise easier with James not around. But in fact – it is so much harder. Currently I am a week and half into his absence and it has been proven that every time James goes away – lots of things happen to test me – sometimes even disasters! On a side note – it is during these times that I have developed complete respect and honour for the single parents who do it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks in a year. They are my heroes!

And it is at the end of a very long day when multiple things have happened, I am exhausted and trying to put children to bed, when James rings and starts off in a cheery voice “Hello!! How has your day been?!”

There in those moments, when I want to reach through the phone and grab him and say “Look here mate, you have no idea what my day was like so don’t give me that cheery voice!”  when God reminds me that I have made a promise.

I have made a promise not to take my husband’s love and forgiveness for granted. I have made a promise not to devalue the blessing he is to me by treating him poorly. I have made a promise to love the man that God gifted me with.

I have made a promise to rely on God for my strength. I have made a promise to rely on God to be my comfort, to be my rock, to calm me with his peace, to lead me by quiet water, to still my anxious soul and to be sheltered with His wings.

So as I am feeling the stress build up and I am wanting to rip into James on the phone as he sometimes display complete oblivion to the stresses of what comes when you are being a single parent of 4 children, studying and in ministry – I just chant in my head “Lenten promise, Lenten promise, Lenten promise!”

And then I hang up the phone and go and spend time with the one whose shoulder’s are big enough to carry my burden’s and yours….and eat chocolate... because I didn’t give that up for Lent!

 

 

 

A woman to be feared

Oh! How these words took hold of my heart as I read them.

Standing in line at the shops, I pulled out my phone to check messages and indulge in my daily dose of social media and there it was....posted in my newsfeed...staring at me in black and white. These words so specifically speaking to me, I felt them reaching deep within my soul as a raw nerve was pulled.

Yes..this is my weakness.

My need, my desire, my consistent longing to meet other people's approval or expectation of me. Or the expectations I think they have of me. This trait in my personality has often seen me sacrifice much to keep other people happy. In so many ways - I have sacrificed much due to the need for validation:

I have looked to other people's approval for the decisions I want to make for my life.

I have avoided stepping out when I felt called to for fear of disapproval.

I have spent many hours dwelling on the question of whether I have offended someone or not as my mind performs mental gymnastics, flipping through past moments to decipher how I could have caused them to treat me seemingly funny or disapprovingly.

I have sacrificed the values and beliefs I have within myself because I held back from voicing my opinion for fear of not being accepted.

This personality trait...this need for validation...this weakness...it is like a web that I am so completely tangled in that, when I allow myself to be caught in it, I cannot truly be free to live the life God has so graciously and costly given me.

This weakness is one that He has been fervently speaking to me about...whispering to me in worship, highlighting in my devotions, commonly a topic rising in conversations over coffee with friends. How common a weakness it is for many!

But how dangerous a trap!

The danger comes in two forms. Firstly, the one who allows the opinions and voices of others to be heard over God's, exalts them above Him. We listen to and worry over the opinions of others neglecting to seek the One who's opinion and approval is the only one that matters. Suddenly we find the worship and idolizing in our hearts is not of our Creator, but of those who are as human and naïve as we are. We are created to worship  - but if we do not seek to worship and serve our God, we will find something else to worship. When the validation of others becomes so important in our lives that we need it in order for us to live our lives - we are suddenly worshipping the wrong thing.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God?

Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people,

I would not be a servant of Christ."

Galatians 1:10.

The second danger is that we naively believe we are God. For the power to delve into the depths of another man's thoughts is one that belongs to God's alone. Man cannot truly know another man's mind and heart. Therefore the surety of approval, the foundation of validation, cannot be truly known. And now we are basing our life decisions and value on the perceived thoughts of others. Of Man who cannot be trusted to be a solid foundation.


The woman who is the one to be most feared on the planet is the one who lays her foundation of life decisions on validation from God. She seeks His approval only. She seeks her value and worth from He who created her, who knows her intimately, who sees her heart and knows the purpose for which she was created. A woman who lives life without needing the validation of anyone but the one who firstly created her and then saved her.. she is one to be feared.

"Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel,

so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts."

1 Thessalonians 2:4

The heart of a champion

If you live in Australia, then you know that January is the season of tennis and cricket. As a young child, I grew up watching both of these sports because my parents love cricket and my grandma loves tennis. Australians can get very passionate when it comes to their sport and when the tennis and cricket are on at the same time there is often more battles in Australian households as to which one will be watched than in the actual game itself!

I have since inherited my grandmother’s passion for tennis and I am now an avid fan. I love it! And like any fan, I have my favourite players who I love to watch and barrack for and scream at the TV for in the comfort of my own lounge room!

But it is not just watching the player’s that I enjoy about tennis. It is the battle on the court that occurs during a good tennis match, as each player tries to outwit their opponent with agile thinking displayed fighting to hear the phrase after a long battle “game, set and match!”.  A good tennis match can have you glued to the screen, on the edge of your seat, screaming at the TV and clenching your hands as you see them fight it out. This year’s Australian Open Final was no exception. Although my favourite player was no longer in the tournament, I had to watch the final to see who would win the trophy. Who would win the Australian Open title after two long weeks of tennis and many matches fought and battled to advance to the final? Who would win the glorious title of Champion?

What many tennis fans witnessed that night of the final though was not a match about the glory of winning. It was not a match about who would win the battle of the mind. It was a match that displayed the glory of suffering. Rafael Nadal, current world number one in tennis, had been suffering from a lower-back injury that seemingly caused him to lose focus, lose energy, and at one point lose hope. At one point in the second set of the match, Nadal was teary as he seemingly lost the will even to try, serving haphazardly, making many faults and errors so much so that he looked as though he was going to quit and retire the match. Whether you are a Nadal fan or not, your heart had to go out to him as you looked on with each serve and each return and you watched a champion suffer.

However, Nadal did not quit. Something inside of him caused him to persevere. The heart of champion is definitely one who doesn’t give up even through pain and suffering. The heart of a champion is one who is inspired by something more than winning. Nadal fought through that entire match – blocking out pain, blocking out the crowd, blocking out the score on the board, blocking out the odds that he had already lost the championship. He fought.

And yes, he did lose the championship. But what he gained was the glory and respect from many who witnessed this man’s fight to the end of a tough match through the midst of suffering. My question is  - would Nadal have gone out onto that arena and entered that court and began that match, if he knew what was going to happen and if he knew the end result? If he knew he was going to suffer throughout the game, would he have played that day?

I believe the answer is yes. Because he has the heart of a champion.

Two great men of the faith, Paul and Peter, were both told by Jesus that they would suffer for his Name. In John 21:18, Jesus reveals to Peter how he will give up his life for the name of Jesus. In Acts 9:16, Jesus says of Paul “I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”

Did Paul and Peter give up their battle to win hearts for Christ because they knew they would suffer?

No – because they had the heart of a champion. One champion inside them both, spurring them on.

They had the heart of Jesus, the ultimate suffering servant who came to glory, within them. Paul in fact states that he counts all his sufferings as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ.

We also must suffer much. We are told in scripture that we must experience many trials and hardships to enter the kingdom of God (Acts 14:22.) But Jesus said “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world.”

What enables us to persevere in the midst of suffering when everything looks lost, when the score on the board is dismal, and the will to keep trying is all but lost?

The heart of the champion, Jesus, inside of us…….

because he has already overcome the world.

The hope set before me

As my feet pounded the pavement with the sun beaming down on a hot January morning and sweat pouring down my forehead, I wondered if I could push through to the end. My goal, set before I headed off, was to run 5km in under 30 minutes. This goal - that I set for myself in the comfort of my own house in the cool of the bathroom as I dressed in my running gear - was before I experienced the heat of the morning.

I opened the door and it hit me. It was already 27 degrees at 7am in the morning. We were experiencing one of the several heatwaves our beautiful climate brings us each Summer. And after running for about 15min, my body was depleting in energy.

Furthermore, I realised I was suffering the consequences of a late night in getting to sleep. The exhaustion my body hid from me when I awoke to my normal alarm was now painfully screaming at me as I rounded up my third kilometre.

Could I go on? Could I push through to finish the 5km or should I just stop now? Or maybe I could just walk it. It wouldn’t be as satisfying as finishing the goal set before me but maybe that was ok.

Then I remembered….Hupomone.

A funny word to be popping into my head as I am running but a word that brings encouragement.

You see, Hupomone (hoop-oh-moan-ay) is the greek translation of perseverance. It is referenced in the bible when scripture encourages us to persevere in trials and sufferings. It is defined as “steadfastness, constancy, endurance,” and it is inspired by hope.

It is “the characteristic of a man who is not swerved from his deliberate purpose and his loyalty to faith and piety by even the greatest trials and sufferings”.

Hupomone is enduring and persevering in our purpose because of the hope set before us. It is pushing through and remaining steadfast in the trials and sufferings.

“For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.” Hebrews 10:36

Hupomone is what enables us to see the hope set before us of the promises of God and seeing Jesus face to face and to persevere to the end to receive what is promised to us.

Hupomone is a characteristic that comes from Christ. The Lord directs our hearts into his love and into the steadfastness of Christ (2 Thess 3:5).

The steadfastness of Christ….

He who was not swerved from his deliberate purpose and his loyalty to God by even the greatest trials and sufferings.

Oh to have our hearts directed to the steadfastness of this amazing Saviour. To have such love and loyalty to our Father God that we are not moved in trials and sufferings as we keep the hope of seeing him at the finish line greeting us with arms open wide.

If we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. (Romans 8:25)

And as I pushed through the final 2km of my run that morning, and reached my goal line at 28 minutes, I could see it. A tiny glimpse of the joy, the excitement , the glory of reaching the finish line of the end of my life having been loyal and steadfast to my God and seeing my Saviour face to face.

I only saw a tiny glimpse – but it is enough to give me the hope I need for the race set before me.

A Bigger Dream

Have you ever felt so lost within yourself that you don’t know who you are supposed to be anymore?

Maybe your soul is saddened because you can’t see any hope of your dreams becoming a reality?

Maybe you have dreams that you have hidden deep within your spirit so quietly kept inside you that you have never dared share them with anyone. Maybe they are dreams that you were so sure that God had given you that even though you have been patiently waiting for him to work his purpose out in you, the light at the end of the tunnel seems to have dimmed to blackness and you see no hope anymore of them coming true.  

Have you ever questioned God about your dreams and why they are not coming true?

Have you felt that maybe your dreams for yourself are bigger than what God has dreamed for you?

Job was living the dream. He was known throughout the land for his wealth and his greatness. He had sons, daughters, servants, land, and livestock. Then one day, it all came crashing down and he lost it all. Not only did he lose it all but he gained diseases, friends questioned him, and he experienced extreme loneliness amidst it all.

Job might have lost his children, his wealth, his dignity – but he didn’t lose his motivation and inspiration. How?

We discover in Job 23 that when Job could not see God or find God, he held on to the promise that God knows the way that he should take and that he will come forth as gold. He knew God had not lost him and had Hope that he would come forth as gold.

Job’s life and dreams were shattered beyond what any of us could imagine – yet he had HOPE.

What is our HOPE?

Romans 8:29 reminds us that we are being conformed to the image of his Son – through our trials we are going to come forth as gold, with the Son of God reflected through us. How are we being transformed into his likeness – by ever-increasing glory which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit (2 Cor 3:18).

Job’s ultimate hope gives us inspiration for a bigger dream. Job’s hope is revealed in Job 19 –

“I know that my redeemer lives,

and that in the end he will stand on the earth.

 And after my skin has been destroyed,

yet in my flesh I will see God;

 I myself will see him with my own eyes – I, not another.

How my heart yearns within me!”

Job’s earthly possessions and dreams for his earthly life did not compare to his ultimate dream of standing before God in all his glory and see him face to face.

This is our bigger dream!

Fixing our eyes on Jesus to run with perseverance the race set out before us means fixing our eyes on the heavenly dream and hope that we will one day see our Redeemer face to face. It might mean that some of the earthly dreams we have been holding on to must fall away, but in the end – this is the ultimate dream and hope for us to hold on to.

When you feel lost, sad or unsure if you will ever see any of your dreams come true, hold on to the motivation and inspiration of the hope of the promise that when you have done the will of God, when you have lived the faithful life and when you have done nothing else but stand firm in your faith – you will have the reward of the promise of God (Hebrews 10:35).

And one day you will stand before God in all his glory and see him face to face, having come forth as gold reflecting the image of the Son of God.

Now that’s a bigger dream!